JOHNNY UNDERSCORE

In the past 6 months, I've realized a few things here and there. About life, college, school, relationships, you know the usual. Theres been pain, homesickness, acceptance, heartbreak, recovery, and joy. I miss high school, and I always will, but I think I can take on this place for another few years. Romance is fun, love is better, but they'll come when you least expect it, kinda like what the Professor says in Narnia. "It was too quick, like the lightning, which doth cease to be", you remember that Costa? I've realized some stuff about things like "livejournal".

I realized what I though of this concept when Maddy Gethins first introduced me to it in Drawing Sophmore year. I realized why I didn't get one then. I realized the only reason that I actually do have one, and the reason I started getting into it. I've realized that when I actually do express my thoughts like this, I'm more of a real journal kinda guy, call me old fashioned. So thank you to everyone for the input, and everything else. I wish you all the best, don't think college is that bad, I was just a Westchester kinda guy. I mean come on, nothing beats Westchester, specially Northern. Except for Yorktown, those kids are gay.

You were right Ash, just not in the way anyone thought. See you this weekend.

This is Johnny Rudenko signing off, I'll catch you later,

J

Current Mood: indescribable
Current Music: Bruce Springsteen - Lost in the Flood

For the Father
Please believe me
I am laying down my guns

Keep the faith?

Theatre on Teusdays makes waking up for one class worthwhile. First lab is the 15th, I'm siked. And theres these 2 great kids from Carmel that I'm studying Italian with. That class is gonna turn out to be a lot of fun I think. Maybe I'll be visiting the Motherland sooner than I thought. Ran my own little 5k today, and I thought of all of you. I need to find a good place where I can still run when it snows.

Met another guy from my neighborhood in the weightroom tonight. I thought I recognized him from baseball. And the very large guy from Mahopac was there tonight too. I'm a little scared to ask him his name. He doesn't smile much. Friday night the hockey team plays Potsdam. They're supposed to be the best of the SUNYs. Then Friday there's a basketball game vs. New Paltz, I think I'll check it out. I just found out Joe's a UCONN fan. Makes sense since he's from Johnstown I guess. I'm happy.

I can't wait until next weekend. G'night

J

Current Mood: sore
Current Music: Guns N' Roses - Nightrain

It’s too bad you became this predictable this late in the game. Stop being such a little brat. You dared to contact me again. Can’t you realize what you’re doing? Everything you do and say only proves me more right. And it’s not like before where you can act like its not happening. You can no longer go and run with my friends and exclude me. You no longer have the benefit that no matter what you say, it’s going to work out for you. Other people are seeing it too. You never really trusted me, so of course you’re not going to believe this anyway, so why do I bother?

What you want, I simply cannot give, and what I’m willing to give, you won’t accept. My reasons? Conduct undeserving. Your reasons? I have a pretty good idea, but I won’t get into it now. It’s amazing how a girl attending one of the “Seven Sisters” can be such an unbelievable twit. I guess those schools aren’t all they’re made out to be.

It’s over. I’ve cashed in and walked away, but you’re still sitting at the table, calling my name, and embarrassing yourself. I’m calling it even. Just like when we went out, you’re getting the better end of the deal. Consider yourself lucky that I’ve given you what I have. That I never left you. That I gave someone like you a year and a half of my life, and so much more. If anything, you owe me A LOT more than I could ever possibly owe you. I’m the kind of person who always repays my debts. But I would never force anyone to pay me back if they couldn’t or didn’t want to. So walk away.

I could go one forever. I could try to help you understand. I could keep being civil with your foot pushing down on the knife in my back. You’re dying to know what I did with the jacket, let’s just say that I did some good. You had your chance. You gave me no reason to ever do anything for you again. Jacket was part of the deal. You really are a moron. You’re off the friend’s list, you’re out of the phone. Consider yourself lucky that I’m even writing this. My heart’s been viciously torn out and smashed against a wall. I won’t let you interfere anymore as I go about picking up the pieces.

So don’t call my number again. I could answer. I could try to explain, help you understand. But you wouldn’t understand. You don’t even know what this is all about. I try to remember what I learned in Catholic School, about forgiveness. About blessed are those who sin and repent. I forgive you, because you know not what you do. Well, you will never truly repent. And I can’t lie, I’m not Jesus. I have no forgiveness for you.

So If I ever end up on the phone with you again, or talk with you again, I’m not gonna say anything. Not a God Damn thing. Because I can’t help you. If you were one of my students, I’d quit teaching right now. But at the same time, I don’t blame you, I blame your parents. You’re out.

Maybe these words are wasted on deaf ears, but I had to give it a shot right?

J

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: Bon Jovi

Its goin pretty well here. I'm a little bored, and now I have a few new special people to miss back home, so I'm gonna update on lj a little more than I was planning to until I go home again.

My Nan's knee is doing well after her surgury, and she started physical therapy at Arno, my favorite place. She refuses to use the cane in public, sometimes I really admire her. And Trusty is causing a little mischeif now that I'm not there to keep order. I think Mr. Scott got me sick, but I don't care its worth it. Scott just promise me that if I die, you'll introduce everyone to Walter's Hot Dogs for me. Gotta keep the tradition going.

I need to finish this chapter in World. I havn't finished a textbook chapter since Macroeconomics last year. I miss Schaper, I owe that 4 to him. I wanna start out on the right foot, but its hard to do work after everything that happened 1st semester and over break. It was a really good break. And Its goin really well now that I'm back. I had dinner with Jesse at the Calion Room (restaurant style) and had dinner at the church too. Like 3 people called me as I was walkin up the hill, "Where are you?", "Hurry up". SO I guess I'm kinda well liked up here. Lunch with Marty might become a daily thing at the Colloquium - very excited about that. Have yet to go up to Cheney or visit Al, and night-clerking applications will be given out soon, Al's gonna give me a reccomendation so lets hope I get a good night up at Cheney.

If not theres always Shea, and maybe Fitz, with those crazy people on the first floor. Me and Jason terrorized them with some Nerf guns the other night. Thank God Sam the RA didn't catch us, she would have killed me. I already have one strike with her, and she's on the war-path cause I think her boyfriend or ex... broke her heart. A new requirement for a girl that I will date is that she's had her heart broken. I mean for real, not like some dork from middle school.

I guess I'm in that New York state of mind, just takin it one day at a time. Should I keep reading? Its a simple book, yet unbelievably hard. This stuff interests me? It was fun, once. No it still is, I just gotta push through this hill, then I'll be taking Colonial America, and The Middle Ages, Ancient Greece, Student teaching. My advisor is out on sebatical this semester, and I'm with Xo temporarily. He don't speak very good English though, so I don't think I'm gonna bother seeing him.

So all I gotta do is work through this weekend and next weekend, then its Geneseo, then retreat to Syracuse, and then home, maybe a little early, for a very special birthday party. Then another 2 weeks and its Spring Break, visit from Aunt Suz, Spring Fling Concert, a trip to the city with the guys.

I can't take this anymore. I can't breathe, and my throat hurts, I'm takin a break. The River Valley Civilizations can wait. I'm out

J

Current Mood: cranky
Current Music: Ma main damie - Billy Joel

Yea so the bags are unpacked, an I changed the room around. Nice to have a little change . I'm in the "1st semester of the rest of my life" as my ma said. Lets make sure it goes better than the first one.

Its kinda wierd I guess. Before college I kinda felt like Hector, in that scene from Troy, where he's putting on his armour and kissing his family goodbye. I kinda felt like I was leaving everything that I've known and loved, and going out to confront the unknown, maybe never to return. In a way I won't. For the next 4 years I'm a nomad. Then maybe I'll live with mammamia for a couple years, pay off some debt, make sure she'll be ok, then go out on my own.

But I feel like I left something behind. I've traveled over the river and through the woods (quite literally) passed mountains, in pursuit of what? A vocation? Higher education? Is that really what I came here for? I mean in 10 years if I'm teachin at Lakeland, and happy, thats worth just about anything right? My uncle says that If I like restauraunts and fancy dinners so much I should consider business. But I feel as if I wanna take up a trade where I can do the greatest amount of good for mankind. I mean I can't really be a knight in shining armour, thats just not functional today.

Maybe I just can't wait to get back to the good stuff. Having seniority, advanced history, teaching classes. I'm not depressed or anything, just contemplative.

In some ways, I never really left. I hung out with some pretty amazing people last 2 weekends, I guess thats part of what I've been missing out on. AD and her little rebel crowd that she brings everywhere with her (thank you dan gato). Coming back this time, I knew pretty much what to expect, but it was harder leaving such great people behind. Trusty's legs got better, I hope he doesn't get old too fast. Mario is the same as ever. He said like 3 years ago he'd get me a firehouse shirt. I really want one so the next time I go to Hooters the waitress 'll ask "Oh, are you a fireman?", and I can say "No, but one of my best buddy's is. I'm a sailor. And I work at American Eagle".

I'm in a good mood today, Its good to be back and see everybody, and start everything anew. I miss everyone back home, but I'm thinkin of them and the next time I'll be around them, and its not so bad anymore. I feel like there was something else important that I was supposed to mention this weekend , but I'm not sure what it was. Oh well. Might go for free bowling later. A lot of good weekends to look forward to. Concerts, Skiing, trips to the City and Parsons and Geneseo. I love all of you, and I'll see you soon,

J

Current Mood: optimistic

What a great week to end my 1st Christmas Break with. And from the looks of things Its only gonna get better.

My Anna Suzanna is gonna bring her car and we'll take that up to Cortland, and get lunch at AnW.

Turns out by some miracle that I have enough money to set aside for books and other important stuff. Thank you Derek for the frantic phonecalls needing someone on the spur of the moment.

Carrot Cake and Banana Cheesecake go on the list of best desserts ever. (and breakfast too)

"What religion are you?" ...pause... "I'm German"

So Hartford beat Bridgeport. I really wanna see UNH play Yale again, so I can shout "Harvard Rejects". I love Hockey.

If I ever see Johnny Damon walkin along the street, I am going to kick him in the face. F!$ing traitor. Believe it or not, I'm more pissed about him shaving than I am about him going to the Yankees.

Gotta make a few calls. Catch you later,

J

Current Music: John Williams

Yea so Luz "Carona" hit me with this a while ago. 5 weird habits that I have are ...

1- I jump when I put on my jeans
2- I like to walk around barefoot, even outside
3- I don't bite my nails, but sometimes I bite my cuticles
4- I never shower in the morning, only later or at night
5- When I'm eating, I pick what looks like the best bite in the dish ad I save it for last

So who do I want to do this?

1-Gabby
2-Laura
3-Kat
4-Gethins
5-Amanda R (the cool Amanda R

See if you can top mine...
j

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: Lord of the Rings

What a day...

I still got it. Running that is.

When you think you have 2 options, pick a third one. It messes with people.

You know how when your watching someone run a lot faster than you can, and you think "how can someone run that fast?" Thats kinda what I think of when I watch AD play basketball.

So in short, Lakeland, Nina, FDR, Yorktown, Panas, Blockbuster, Diner, and the Movies. Not THAT Nina.

Strike 2, Ball 1. This is getting interesting.

Yea so out of 6 attempts to see Narnia, 2 worked out. It was a fun adventure though, both the movie and trying to see it.

I'm so glad I finally got to hang out with like half of the people I've been meaning to. Its not over yet though.

Current Mood: good
Current Music: Thoughts about Narnia

Yea so Harry Potter was a little dissapointing, but Narnia really made up for it. It was so good, it made up fo all the Harry Potter movies at once.

I gotta lotta shit to do.

Yea on New Years Eve my mom was like "we should take he tree down tomorrow" Yea right. I'll take it down this weekend.

The count is 0 and 1. Is strike 2 on the way? Maybe I'll find out before the week is up.

"Who's motercycle is this?

Its a chopper baby.

Who's chopper is this?

It's Zed's

Who's Zed?

Zeds dead baby, Zeds dead."

Gnight,
J

Current Mood: excited
Current Music: BG1 soundtrack

... are you listening?

A be-lated Merry Christmas to all. And Haunaka. And Kwanza. If those are spelt correctly ...

It was good this year, everyone loved my antipasto platter. Everyone liked the gifts I got them, I still got a few to give out. I didn't really ask for much this year. I mean, all I wanted was to be happy, ya know? And I am. The last week has been crazy busy. But I still get time to hang out with my family and dog, and just sit around and read. Thats my favorite part of the holiday season, just having having the time to sit around all day, and immerse myself in a good book. Thats how I got into Harry Potter. And a few others. Still gotta read the 6th one.

For some reason, I'm getting the vibe that God doesn't want me to see Narnia. So I started reading the books. More on that later.

Whoever said "beggars can't be choosers" never met a beggar.

I wish it would snow again. I'd even love to be out helping all the neighbors shovel. At least it doesn't feel that cold here.

I may be doing a lot of road trips next semester.

Whenever the Rebels have a meet, I wear Rebel apparrel. So needless to say I was rockin it on Teusday.

Still got a lot to do, and the night is young. So I'll catch you later,

J

P.S. I love you all

Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: BG2 soundtrack

What a week. Busy, restless, fun, sad, boring, tiring, exhilerating. But I'm glad I stayed for the entire thing. For many reasons. Countdown to Freedom - 2 days. Diller and me had another midnight pool tournament up in Cheney. I'm getting really good at ping pong and pool. Next comes poker, and risk. I've got a lot of things to brush up on over break. Games, work, family, languages, sports, friends. At least I get a month, I hope its long enough. Oddly enough, I'm going to miss this place, with all the shallow poeple, the jocks, the brick walls. Actually I'll be missing Marty, and Joe and even Jason. Maybe even Sean........ well maybe not Sean, but a lot of people. I'll miss hanging with the Shea crew, the physics crew, the church crew. Seniors are gratuating, some people are transferring. Already. I just got here. I just gratuated. I just started high school. I just moved from Waterbury. Life is real funny like that. But enough nostalgia for another month or 2.

My bags are kinda packed, I still can't help being so excited, that I pack in advance. Its like when I came here, I'm not sure what I'll need, so I packed almost everything. Steve is leavin tomorrow, so there will be no Fooling Around While Intoxicated in my room for a while. We're getting along even better now, still don't think we'll ever hang out. I'm changin up the room a little, I got an idea that involves some elbow greese, some milk crates, and an extension cord. Which technically may be illegal. Some rules are meant to be broken. A monkey would be a cool dorm pet. And train him to pick pockets, just for fun.

...

Ok, I feel the need to take care of this now. This is something thats been bugging me a little.

You keep calling, you keep iming. Its getting kindof annoying, especially since you just never have anything valuable to say. You even dared to try and use me again. You wanted to screw me over "quietly", and have a clean break, and be all nice and done with me. You want your jacket back? I want my heart back, not like this, the way I gave it to you, whole. You think you can just add me to the list of boyfriends with 4 letter names, like I'm some friggin possession? You think you can do what you did, and still expect things from me? Well guess what.

Your not playing games with my heart anymore. You don't have the upper hand. Your not bringing anything to the table, you haven't in a really long time. You can no longer expect or demand anything at all from me, after all you've taken, all I've put up and done for you and your family. This is no longer a situation that you can manipulate, control, and twist.

So it comes down to this. I am here, begging you on bended knee, to give me a reason to stick around. Don't say your sorry, be sorry. Prove that you really aren't just some control freak, some emotional vampire. Show me that you are capable of love, compassion, mercy, understanding. Prove that you ever loved me, or respected me. Prove I wasn't just sucked into a black hole, that I wasn't just some cute guy to go to proms with. Give me some hope that I will get to say goodbye to you. Give me some inkling that we may be together again. I don't care, just something, ANYTHING. Just give me one reason, surprise me, amaze me, do something I really would not expect from someone like you. The current you. The real you.

You have exactly 1 month from this moment. Don't just call me right away and bitch and moan. Think about what I'm saying, about what is going to happen depending on what you do or say. No more im's. You could have at least been decent enough not to do this over the phone, now I just don't wanna see that pink and black font anymore going "kk" all the friggin time. If by the end of this month, you have not done something, anything about this, then I am moving on. I've given this the proper mourning period. I am going to act as if the month is already over. That way I won't feel like I really lost anything. Maybe I haven't. If you don't take some action, not just words, but something more, then I will never ever be there for you again. Yea I'll talk to you, and bs a little, but I will never give you anything again as long as I live. The next time your family has no one to turn to, too bad. The next time you need a ride, call Sammy. The next time you get hungover and need someone from home to make you feel better, call one of you "best friends", even though you never pick up the phone for some of them. So thats your window of opportunity, since your such an opportunist. Do with it what you will. Make me care, this is your last chance. I'll be there, but I'm gone in every way that you want and need. I'm not fading away,I'm not going on the list or in a box, and I'm not being put down like a faithful dog. I'm cutting my losses. Thats the only thing I've gotten from you that I'm keeping. For now at least. Think it over.

J

Current Mood: hyper
Current Music: The Song Remains the Same

I feel the need to make note of a thing or 2. Or 3 ...

The last time I was at Coldstone, there was a girl there from Mahopac who was at the Mahopac Coldstone when I first went there. How wierd is that? If it happens again, I'm going to talk to her, just for kicks.

I almost never lock my doors. At home, in the car, at college. My philosiphy is that my life is either going to great or too shitty for God to let anything bad like that happen. And if someone wants to try that when I'm around, let them try.

Now I know why I always liked the Great Gatsby so much. If you're smart you'll figure this one out.

I am mastering Italian no matter what, and thats one possibility for studying abroad. Next time I go to Bella Italia in Danbury I wanna have a conversation with Anna.

I effing hate rich people. Unless they're modest, kind, and GRATEFUL, I have absolutely no respect for them. Especially when they complain about "my money" being used wrong. Its not your money, chances are its mommy and daddy's. So it doesn't matter.

The next 10 days: last classes, shopping, ping pong, pool, lots of movies, reading, sleeping, hangin out, and oh yea ........ studying and exams. Then theres a road trip, and a long rest.

You ever just wanna take a certain moment and make it last forever? I miss this time last year. Even 2 years ago. They were both good days, for different reasons. Why does it go by so fast? Sometimes I really just wanna go back to the way things were. Before it got so difficult. Before everything changed. The currents pushing me forward, and I can't slow it down. Could I have done better, or tried harder, or been more social? I'm trying not to regret anything, but I do, a lot of things. I wish I had a dad. That would have made the past 15 years easier. I am going to be the best father in the world, no matter what.

Catch you later,
J

Current Mood: blah
Current Music: fortune faded - RHCP

Society is going downhill. 50 cent has his own video game. What is the world coming to?

Professor Xenakis, for POL 101, is a pushover. I'm, recommending him to everyone who has to take that class. Me and jason are switching books, since we're takin the classes each other already took next semester. I can't wait until next semester starts. Everything I'm learning is gonna be so much fun. And I'm looking forward to theatre, helping with the plays, and the labs that only take 15 minutes.

Last night I ran through the rain to get somethin from Dido. Met a few of his friends, they're pretty cool. I'm probly gonna give him a ride home for X-mas break, if he feels like staying the extra day. We're getting dinner tonight, likely. It sucks what Amanda did to him. And now she's causing extra drama and being a real biotch. Are all women like that? Do they realize it, or does it "just happen"?

But running in the rain brought back so many memories. For a year and a half, I was doing the greatest thing I've ever done. It is honestly the best sport in the world. Its not like soccer, or basbeall, or any of the others. No one's overly competetive, and theres less drama then on an all girls team. Less arrogance than on an all guys team. Its weird because, it seems like a more individualized sport, but its not. Everyone isn't in it for themselves, or cause its what they wanna do, or they're parents are making them. I remember the first practice, doing foms and thinking "do i really need to?". I remember deciding what was athletic apparel, and what was not. I remember meeting everyone on the team, the first time I ever felt like my stomach is going to explode. My first 400 ever was like 80 seconds. Haha. I think of how far I've come, and I regret not being able to go further, and compete any more. The most I remember that one XC practice at the Panas Track when it was pouring down rain. That was my favorite practice ever. Because of what Kumrow said, because I never realized that track could have such an ocean of puddles. I kept with dondero on that thousand, no matter how much it hurt. There was no fighting with Chelsea that day, just running, because tha rain washed away everything else. I wish that at least one more time, I could have felt like that. Like everything was new, and I always had room to improve. Dana didn't like that practice, cause her knee hurt. And Pat had that really bad ache that made him collapse, and we didn't even notice until 5 minutes later that he was on the groud before the curve. I miss knowing that no matter what, someone was gonna be there at the finish line. I miss uphills and downhills, I miss freezing my ass off waiting for the race, I miss the officials shouting and pushing and not really caring if you just ran your heart out, and couldn't stand anymore. I miss RJ not being able to run, cause it would burn too many carbs, I miss not having a track in the district, and the buses never being on time, because running isn't as important as football. I miss hearing "drop the hammer!" and pyramids and fatliks (if thats how you spell it). I miss having a shot at being captain, i miss kumrow telling will at the first race "just try and stay with john" and him telling me that after and the feeling it gave me that he didn't. I miss shakir makin me laugh, and glory dogging, and passing me at every meet except the first and the last. I miss shinsplints, and cramps, and being so out of breath you just walk around and try to deal with the pain but can't. I miss tasting blood, and knowing that since I could, I was running as hard as I could. I emiss coming in fourth in the 600, and dreaming of running like Kaplan. I even miss winter, with the cold, running in the snow, waiting forever for chicken fingers, not being able to breath, and the gf ruining every meet. I miss warming up and bsing with everyone, I miss cuddling on a pile of duffle bags with a bag of goldfish. I miss having potential, and always something to look forward to. I miss hoping to learn javeline, and hurdles. I miss sharing warm clothes with everyone, and wearing 2 of everything just to stay alive. I miss being yelled at by Berquist, for missing a day, or the ride being late. I miss getting home at 11 or 12, I miss the parties, dinner @ Ye Old Lantern in Mahopac. I miss shaking hands with all the guys I ran against, the feeling of brotherhood, of running and hurting and failing with someone by your side. Knowing that you're never alone. I miss getting home after practice, and needing a shower but putting it off till later, or going righ back out to work or fun or chelsea. I miss getting a shirt at every meet, and seeing all the schools I ran against. And the funny things like "catch 'em katchum " or shakir and will. I miss doing amazing things like running through the woods to carvel, and to the quarry, breaking the rules. I miss being around truly amazing poeple, doing amazing things. I miss my name in the North County News. I miss hating all the people from Somers and Yorktown, i miss dondero's pranks, and even the little asswhole frechmen twins. I miss megan telling chelsea she runs slow, and having such deep conversations while running around the pool, or up hell hill. I miss takin my shirt off with chuck, and complaining about women, and running 1500's one after another. I miss running countless miles with people, and barely talking to them in school. I miss balancing everything, and trying to put running first, even though I always didn't.

Is it all gone? Is It all said and done? Yes it is. Its over, I can't go back, and erase my regrets, or try harder, or make more new friends. I'm not living in the past.But running isn't just something you do and forget, once you really run, and do it, and understand, you're a runner for life. Not everyone who medals is a real runner, and not all real runners have to medal. I was once referred to as a typical jock, I'll never stop laughing about that. I'm not running for Cortland. I could if I tried really hard, but RA and NCAA don't mix. But its not all over. I can still run, as long as my legs and back and heart work, which will be for a while. I can outpace the cold, and put myself back in the zone. A few months ago I looked into doing a marathon. Not gonna happen this year, but maybe next year, a few alumni will do it with me. Whereever I go in this world, I'm going to run. Home, at school, Italy, Jerusalem. In every place, in the sun, under the staers, through rain and snow. Running is a part of me. It always was. My dad used to say I went straight from crawling to running. It always will be a part of me. Nothing beats it, not pizza, games, sex, nothing. And next semester, I am starting a running club, maybe it will be off the books though. Just me and some friends, former tackies, strangers who I have 1 thing in common with. Maybe with RJ's permission, I can call it Lightning Track Club. Maybe even use the same t-shirt design.

But right now, I got class, food, friend, and college. See you at the finish line.

J

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: The roomie playin the new 50 cent game

Yea, the ride back was a lot of fun. I love being in a car at night, Theres something about it, and all the lights, and feeling like your half asleep. I don't know, but I always liked it, since I was a kid. Its just one of those things. And there was more snow as we got closer, I wish I could have seen it fall.

Life is still really weird, it gets overwhelming if you think about it too much. But break was awsome, I definitely needed it, yet I'm happy to be back. Didn't expect that last one to come so soon. But it did. Once you open up to it, college is an awsome experience. I'm trying so many new things, meeting and getting to know so many diverse people. Dancing and martial arts are 2 things I'm knockin off my list this year. Paint balling will have to wait, but thats ok.

I was kinda worried that joe wasn't the kinda person I could be friends with anymore. But he did something I really respect, and despite the fact that things are weird right now with him his gf, and her friend, its all good. Its all right.

Thank you especially to Dena Lagonia. Sorry about the goldfish. But I hope that one day I'm as good of a teacher as you think I already am. What you wrote in my yearbook was moving, I will never forget it.

I get real lonely sometimes, being single now. Yet, maybe it is for the best. Everything happens for a reason, if not always the reason you expect. I stand by what I've said. But now I'm free, and I won't be chained by anything any longer. Whats done is done, what goes around comes around. Forgive but never forget. But now, I'm going to go on a journey of self discovery. All in the comforts of my own college. I'm going to find out who I am, and be cooler single than I ever could be in a relationship. Then one day, whenever it happens, I'll have my next relationship, a real one, a good one. Maybe she'll be the one, maybe she'll be a gold digger. But I know to be more careful about that now, and how to tackle the problems once they start. And I've decided that I'm not gonna sit around waiting for her to show up. And yet, I'm not gonna spend all my time searching for her. (Even though we all secretly do). I'm going to live my life, the way I want, treating each day as the last. Each dawn brings countless possibilities. I won't dismiss them anymore.

My first of many movie reccomendations: See Derailed. Even if you don't think Clive Owen is a sexy beast, its a frikkin amazing movie. I give 2 thumbs up. And I've learned not to trust a random internet site for ratings they said that and Rent were bad movies. Can you say "bad taste" ? They're probably the ones who said Alexander would be a good movie.

My new favorite Stephen Lynch song is Superhero. Especially the part about Justice Man.

My car may be at the end of its life. It needs a new muffler, and I don't know if it will survive the winter. My faithful steed has served me well. I can't just toss it aside. Maybe a new part will help.

Never had Arby's before tonight. Very good food, i not what I thought it was. No fine dining, but tasty. Now its work time, than a little sleep, and 2 classes then a really long nap. I miss my bed at home already, but the one here gets more comfy every night. in 20 years I will be sleeping in a King-sixed Four Poster. Now thats what a bed should be.
Goodnight to all
John

Current Mood: content
Current Music: Aerosmith

Going back in a while. This time I'm looking forward to it. Mr. Depalma convinced me to get my masters at another school closer to home.

In other news, life, relationships are really weird. This is the way it is, but its all about choice. Funny how the choices others make affect the way you live your life. Glad to be home, but glad to be going back. Next comes the stage where I feel like I don't really have a home. Maybe its for the better.

I meant to do this thrusday, but I said a little prayer instead. Thank you to everyone I've known in my life, for everything you've done. The combination of it all has made me who I am, and I will try never to forget all of you. I hope that one day, someone is as grateful for me as I am for some of you.

Chelsea, I know your reading this, cause your always on the computer. Thats part of the problem with you. You hugged me and whispered that you were sorry, but if you really were, why did you whisper it? You said it all so fast, did this all so fast, that tells me that its not all true. If it was true you could have said it all to my face without blinking. But you couldn't even do that, after everything we've been through. And you want your stuff back? I want a lot of things back, most of them I cannot get. Take a hint, SLOW DOWN. You took things way too fast when we started going out, you're taking them too fast now. If you ever did love me, and have any respect for me then stop. I can't take this anymore. You can't do what you did and wanna be friends 2 weeks later. Stop commenting on my lj. I'm not reading yours, and I wouldn't even if I could, but thats kindof a hypocrytical thing to do. But then again, it is you. Stop caring for nothing but yourself. You took the quick and easy path, you just can never deal with the consequences of your actions. I am not ready to be your fiend yet. And I'm not letting you control me or take what you want from me any more. Every time I'm moving on you call or im, and make me feel shitty all over again. You have such a bad mouth, such a bad temper, its amazing that your human. the sad thing is we could have worked, but you were the problem. From the summer to xc to track and leo's you just couldn't stop with the fights, the obnoxious comments. You've put me through the wost experience of my life. Stop taking from me, stop expecting things from me. You can't do that anymore, I won't let you. youve corrupted the idea of love, of a break, of everything. I've shared so many sacred thigns with you, now I feel like I've been played for a fool. The world is not all about you. You'll realize that one day, I hope. I really don't know what else to say to you. You were amazing in several ways, but in most ways you ruined me, and us. You ruined us the moment you put open relationship on your facebook. You were what made us unhealthy. Everyone saw this coming, friends, family, people who never even met or talked with you. I was the only one who didn't see it coming. Why? ................. Because love is blind. I don't know if you ever really loved me, if you ever even really cared for me, or it was just all about you. I was just something to get you out of your house, and now you don't need that anymore. But why? WHY? And how did I fall for it? I'm not stupid, I'm smarter that you in more ways than you can imagine. But I didn't have the wisdom or experience to back up my maturity. Now I do, I wish it could have happened a different way. It didn't have to. This is what you chose for us, its the most selfish thing I've ever heard of. I'll call you. When its convenient for me.

Current Mood: calm
Current Music: Rent

I still can't stop thinking of Sunday night, and laugh. Such a good weekend. This one should be awsome too. And what a Thanksgiving meal. Meals, that is. Plural. After visiting my aunt's in Peekskill i jetted to the casa di Whelan for the first time in over a year. Met Liz's new bf TOny, he's a little punkish, bun nice and funny. Her and her family were so happy to see me, her dad even made a face at me for ringing the doorbell instead of just walking in.

It was a lot of fun, eating a second wonderful meal/dessert, playing video games with johnny and joe, and catching up with liz. I'm gonna visit her in the village sometime next semester we decided. So I'm visiting her, and maybe a few other people next semester. I love road trips.

And since I haven't updated in a while,lets go over what happened since I got home. Monday night, I surprised my mom and a few other people. Came home a day early with Dido, and had to cut Teusday, but at least I'm cutting for my own reasons now. Teusday was homework, and emailing the prof's. Wednesday, as most of you know was Lakeland/track day, with Lou's, Arnold's, Ayedee, and a lot of other things thrown in. Then visiting the Depalma House, and that was a lot of fun. It was so good to see everyone, but a little wierd to see so many people that I just didn't recognize. Dana came to practice, and Joe too, so we were the cool kids standing a round just talkin to everyone. However, I've decided that practice is a lot more fun when you run at it, found out by doing the warm up laps, with Niki. I miss running, but I'm going to start again, no matter how cold it is. Thats something I'm determined not to lose.

It was wierd. Everything kinda hit me all at once, even more than October Break. Me and dahay were in Mr. T's room, and she just looked at me at one moment and said, "John, we were sitting here exactly 4 years ago". Thats the room where I met Lauren and Karina, and a lot of other people. Thats where I started to seriously consider Philosiphy and or History as something to devote my life to. The track there is real nice, although I don't see why we need 2 tracks in 1 school district - waste of money, but its not my money.

Back to the present - Crazy weekend comin up, but now I may have some time to do a few extra things. Definitley gonna see a movie, probably 2. It feels wierd having so much free time, even though I'm real busy. But at least now, I can decide what to do with it, and go wherever i want, reguardless of time, money, grudges, impatience. Now my life isn't controlled any more, its an unusual kind of freedom. But I'm already getting used to it. Its odd, how fast I'm healing. I never would have though it possible. Life is very ........... fun experience, and now I'm living every moment to the fullest.

See you all soon,
John

Current Mood: crazy
Current Music: Stephen Lynch - Justice Man

I still can't stop laughing, it was worth 2 dollars. in 48 hours, I'll be back at Lakeland. If I could just get out of English aka my current location, and finish my US History paper, I'll be all set. Then its Thursday, being with family and visiting the Whelans/Depamlas and maybe a few others. Then Friday on Long Island with mia famiglia, for a post-Thanksgiving Thanksgiving meal. Probly seeing a movie with some extended family, then Saturday I come back home and be with people all day. Aunt Marge is taken me to buy my own poolstick, and I dropped the hint with my mom that a good gift for Alison to get me would be a ping pong paddle, with a few pong balls. For ping pong that is. When I have my big house and family later in life, theres going to be a big basement that includes lots of storage room, pool table, ping pong table, tables for random stuff, a lounge with a big tv, lots and lots of bookshelves loaded with novels, and a bathroom, just in case.
Yesterday Marty and his physicist friend invited me to something cool next Friday after we get back. Its something thats on my list from things to do, and even though I kinda considered it just something for rich kids, I always wanted to learn how to do it. More about that when it happens. I'm glad I'm getting to know more people. A lot of them are upperclassmen, but its better than just hanging out with all freshman I guess. I'm glad I opened up, even though it happened under regrettable circumstances. You make good friends helping put together a futon, thats one lesson I learned last week. And I've got the whole broken heart thing goin on - people like that for some reason.
I was thinking about friends, relationships and people. I realized that while outside influences affect being happy, your even happier when you can be happy for your own reasons, even when things go shitty, or your all by yourself. Thats independence, and maybe true happiness. Like Benigni in that movie about the Holocaust. Anyway, class just got cancelled, so I'm gonna go hang around until the whistle blows. Or until Dido calls. He is the man.

So in conclusion:
I have an Aunt Marge, kinda like Harry Potter
I'm going home this week, and now I have time to do everything I want to
Basements are a cool place to be
Friends are good to have
I like having English in a computer lab
I can't wait until next year, its gonna be so busy and so fun

Current Mood: excited
Current Music: average noises of a computer lab

Add live comedian preformance to my list of first times. Stephen Lynch was awsome, he's better in person, even though we were a few rows back. I love his style, its so unique. Joe couldn't get out of work, so me and jason went with Marty. I really like Marty, he's got good taste in just about everything, and he's a good guy. Jason is kinda weird and annoying, but good friends are hard to find. Lynch was great though, not politically correct, but if you keep an open mind it was hilarious. He insulted everyone: whites, blacks, jews, catholics, muslims - everyone. And he did a lot of impomptu stuff and made it interactive.

And now its homework time, and maybe a little visit up the hill to Alison, to give her her suprise random present. I love getting, but even more so giving random little gifts. Its one of the coolest ways of being nice. A little gift, just because you were thinkin of someone. Thats love, in whatever way.

But this weekend was seriously crazy fubar. No fubar means bad. It was molto buono. And the next 7 days are gonna be great. Maybe when I come back, I'll actually be excited. I havn't been at all since I first got here, I've just been dreading it less and less. But maybe this time will be different. I found out something from joey dido that made my life. Too bad you didn't stick around for this surprise, you would have loved it.

J

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: Stephen Lynch - Special Ed

Most people classify laundry as clean laundry, and dirty laundry. These 2 categories have merit, but I myself have many suttle layers in-between(5 points if you can guess what movie that line is from). Some will say thats gross, but on the contrare', its known as allocative efficiency, in economics. And I've decided that if I break into my "reserves" and wear some stuff that I normally wouldn't, I can stretch laundry up to 4 weeks. I have enough of everything, I have a lot more clothes than I realize. So I'm gonna bring it all home and learn how to use the "domestic" laundry machines at home with mia madre.

A note on fashion - when you're a guy, everything matches, no matter what.

A note to self - Things to do before I die
-An extreme sport
-save a life
-have a profound effect on the outcome of someone's life
-date an asian girl
-live in another country for an extended period of time
-visit the motherland aka Italy
-go on a cruise
-run a marathon
-re-read the bible
-preform my own stand up routine
-see Jerusalem
-fight for something I believe in?
-become a waiter
-learn at least one other language
-visit the place i was born/ gre up in Connecticut
-see my dad, and possibly forgive him
-have my own, personalized suite and tuxedo
-see another eclipse
-learn how to ride a horse
-read every book there is that involves King Arthur, Robin Hood, magic, and the Middle Ages
-learn to play at least one musical instrument
-learn elvish
-figure out the meaning of life, if there is one
-be a "rennaissance man"
-fire a gun
-learn how to fight, armed and unamrmed, only in case I ever really have to
-swim in the Dead Sea
-row a boat
-learn to skate
-meditate
-sit Indian style
-visit 100 more great cities in the US, and at least 20 outside of it
-learn to cook, and bake
-be one of those guys that go all out with Christmas lights and decorations
-grow a mustache/beard
-have a 6-pack
-prove to mr. varley that star wars are not terrible movies
-write a book
-be able to beat almost anyone at pool and ping pong
-watch all 6 star wars in a row
-go to a concert
-act in a play or some semi-big production
-find where I belong in this world
-drive a 67 ford mustang
-see the mets win the series
-finish decorating my room
-find out how the hell you could possibly win the McDonald's monopoly game
-run around the world, at least once
-learn how to mantinnence an automobile
-fly on a jumbo jet
-live in the city for a while
-get a PHD
-go inside the whitehouse
-be able to vote for a president I actually like
-tell one really crappy, and annoying person what I really think of them
-actually wear something that my momm makes for me
-be inside a real castle
-do some archeaology
-go bird-watching
-sleep a night on a park bench
-learn my family's heritage
-find family that we're no longer in contact with
-become a member of a family that I'm not really in
-grow into my leather jacket
-get a speeding ticket
-get the autograph of a famous person that I look up to
-think of the coolest halloween costume yet
-actually read through the newspaper everyday
-be best man at a wedding
-read the entire encyclopedia
-get into guinness book of world records
-have dogs, cats, and a few other pets all at the same time
-go to tavern on the green, and see if it really is the best reastaraunt in the city
-stand exactly somewhere that Ceasar, Napolean, or some other great historical figure stood
-learn to fence
-learn to fight with a longsword
-joust
-go to Midieval Times
-become an expert archer
-build a tree house
-swing on a vine
-learn to swing dance, and a few other types
-Find that one special person, and never let go
-start my own family
-be in charge of the designing/ building of a house or high school or college
-teach high school history
-have my class get a 100 percent regents mastery level
-coach cross country, and maybe track
-own stocks
-get as close to the stars as I can
-pick how/ if I want to be buried
-find God
-and finally one day, my eyes will close, and never open again. But to the well organized mind, death is just the next great adventure. Another 5 points if you can guess what that line is from. And maybe like the others in my family who I've seen pass on, it will rain after I die, and on the day of my funeral. The tears of angles. But thats all a very long time away, lets take a closer look at whats goin on in the presesnt and immediate future: Relay for Life, 3 projects, excercising, life, college, pool, ping pong, learning, loving. What a wonderful life when you can always trust yourself and be happy, no matter what. Busy week, with another one ahead. But the next one will just be better, and a lot of fun. And hopefully I'll fully enjoy coming back, to my "home away from home". Its frickin freezing here, but whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Goodnight and good luck to everyone.

Current Mood: good
Current Music: Bruce Springsteen - Lost in the Flood